Crumbling Masks

I wrote this a while ago and found it again tonight:

She was stunned into silence and shook with fear
As she tripped and stumbled over the piles of bones
lying on the damp floor
The shadow in the corner beckoned her
It couldn’t be, could it?
Very little light ever reached these parts
The air was stagnant, but yet she breathed a little deeper
and something had changed
A sweetness she thought she’d forgotten
permeated the heavy cloak of stale air
A ray of sunlight shone through a few cracks
The floor was drying in places from the change of atmosphere
And she stood in awe, still squinting at the shadows in the corner
She was afraid to look, afraid to know, afraid to cross the boundary
between fantasy and reality
All the years of longing came down to this one moment,
cross the threshold or don’t
Squaring her shoulders, taking a deep breath,
holding her head high, she stepped forward
To find that a flower had grown and blossomed
In the darkest, most recessed catacombs of her soul
And then, she smiled, and the masks began to crumble.

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Dark Stripe Within

Even the brightest stars grow dim. That person that you think is perhaps all light and love has a dark stripe. We all have one, we just don’t all allow it to be seen. On the flip side of that coin is the dark and brooding person who has flashes of light and love, but those are often more hidden and saved for the viewing of an even smaller audience.

What do you prefer? Do you prefer the bright sunlight like a day lily, or do you thrive in the darkness like a mushroom? And what about the shadowy places in between? Do you turn away from them and cower in fear of what might be lurking or do you stare into them, hoping to catch a glimpse of what’s held in their depths?

In your perception, is light always good and darkness always bad? Do you ever take a walk on the side you just don’t quite understand or is that too much out of your comfort zone? Where do you choose to exist? What trait do you feed the most? And do you ever allow the other a morsel?

Do you ever contemplate Chaos Theory?: Without chaos there would be no creation, no structure and no existence. After all, order is merely the repetition of patterns; chaos is the process that establishes those patterns.

Do you ever analyze your own thought processes, feelings, actions, and reactions while gauging them against those of others or even what society seems as the “norm”?

Do you think deeply about your purpose on this Earth? Do you wonder if you’re living up to your full potential or if you’re merely scraping by? Do you look deep into your own eyes in the mirror and understand the who, the what, the how, and the why of your existence? And do you even care?

Recently, someone told me about my own dark stripe, but also told me about my brilliant light and how they envied that in me. This person told me that I am good for others and that I leave a thumbprint of my own personality on every person I’m in contact with and that gives them hope for the future of mankind. I don’t know that I deserve such accolades, but it sure was humbling to hear.

I know that I’m not all light and love. I used to be afraid of what the shadows held…but now I analyze them and creep closer while trying to understand the depths of them. And I like to think that a bit of the light that I do have in me helps to make those shadowlands a bit less dark.

This Woman

I’ve hated this woman. I’ve not loved her at full capacity. I’ve fed her lies & told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she wasn’t good enough. I’ve allowed her to be broken. I’ve allowed others to treat her disrespectfully.

I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls & battle for others who won’t even stand for her. I couldn’t stop individuals from abandoning her, yet I’ve seen her get up and stand to be a light to the world & love others despite all that. I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul.

This woman has screwed up many times, as a daughter, as a partner or as a friend, because she doesn’t always say or do the “right things”. She has a smart mouth, and she has secrets. She has scars… because she has a history.

Some people love this woman, some like her, and some people don’t care for her at all.

She has done good in her life. She has done bad in her life. She goes days without even wanting to get out of bed or She doesn’t get dressed up very often. She is random and sometimes silly. She will not pretend to be someone she is not. She is who she is. She has a story.

Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy, and achievement has made her the woman she is today.

You can love her or not. But if she loves you, she will do it with her whole heart, and she will make no apologies for the way she is.

This Woman is a WARRIOR. She’s not perfect but she has a lot of WORTH! She’s UNSTOPPABLE. Gracefully broken but beautifully standing. She is loved. She is life. She is transformation. She is Grace. She is BRAVE!

I Hate Exercising

Exercise…one of THE MOST painful words in the English language…at least for me. I’d rather clean the toilet or *gasp* match socks and fold and put away laundry.

However, with a son who is diabetic now, it’s important that we change our Dorito and ice cream ways and stop the 2am pizzas. So, we joined the gym.

Gyms, let me tell you, are not cheap…nor are they for the casual, relaxed exercisers- no siree- these metal torture chambers are very intimidating!! Seriously, and with the video cameras everywhere- just daring you to slack off, you know someone will come out and beat you with a jump rope if they catch you!!

So, we committed to 85 days of working out. We’ve missed a couple, but here’s my stats from tonight, keep in mind that I’m horribly overweight and out of shape and my first night was a disaster that ended with me coming home and bawling: I shaved 2 minutes off my mile tonight… And I did 45 reps on my arms (80#)!! And 3 songs worth of 130# on my back, 2 songs of 130# of my abs, and 2 1/2 songs of 120# on my legs…day 10 of 85 I’m pooped!!!

Ouch!

Somehow I threw my hip out today. I am in excruciating pain when I move. The chiropractor says I’m putting 95# more weight on my right side to compensate for the pain on my left side.

So much for having extra money this month, now it all has to go for chiropractic care. ☹️ and I was really hoping to open a gym membership for my family…

I really wish that everything didn’t revolve around money. Perhaps I will have to go to the bank and take out another loan. The bright side is that my credit is okay enough for that and my bills are still paid.

I’ve been trying to get to sleep for 3 hours now…I’m just praying the pain subsides enough for me to get some sleep.

Journaling

I used to journal a lot…like every night before bed. Then I got out of the habit because I felt like it really wasn’t worth it. Now I’m being asked to journal and it’s hard because it’s bringing up some hard memories.

I’m not opposed to learning how to heal, but it’s like tearing a fresh scab off and being sickened by the blood. And trust me, none of these scabs are fresh, so in all actuality, it’s like taking a knife and trying to cut out an old scar…

In the process, I’ve learned something about myself…I am fat because of an aching need to cover those things…those scars…I eat my emotions to shut them up and stuff them deep. I fail at diets because the hurt and criticism rushes back with a force so strong it incapacitates me sometimes. I hear the echoing whirlwind of “you’ll never be enough” and frankly, it scares the hell out of me. So I hide in the dark and eat to quiet their storm.

I’m realizing that I’m better than those voices and criticisms, but I’m just beginning to understand completely. Like a caterpillar breaking free from its chrysalis, I too, might become that beautiful butterfly; it’s just going to take some time.

Sad Eyes

You play by the rules in hopes that you fly mostly under the radar. You want so badly to be noticed, but shy away from being aggressive or forthcoming. Society dictates who you should be for every social group you encounter, and yet…there’s something missing.

There’s a fire burning deep within you and all you want is for someone to notice the spark. You want that person to cradle your soul and look deep into your eyes and tell you they get you, and that you’re perfect just the way you are.

You go through the motions of living when the reality is that you’re merely existing. The sad eyes that stare back at you from the mirror also unveil a longing to be needed and wanted and ultimately loved without boundaries. I know this because I see it every single day – and I want you to know that you’re not alone. And it’s okay to be you – the real version of you. I need you to believe it because then maybe, just maybe…some day I can believe it too.