What an absolute crap week! The stars were definitely not aligned or something…I had a shitty attitude all week and then felt totally convicted by it which just worsened my mood.
There wasn’t any one thing, it was a culmination of many, and each day just seemed to darken. I felt myself being drawn into a darkness in the pit of my stomach that continued to grow with each passing day. I slept more, I cried more, and I snapped at everyone and everything.
I tried listening to praise music and it made me angry. I tried praying and I got distracted. I just wanted to scream and cry and eat everything that wasn’t nailed down and then bitch about headaches and being fat.
I wish I could be one of those people who throws themselves into exercising when their emotions are in full swing. Imagine how in-shape I would be…yeah, round is NOT my shape of choice! But instead, I choose more unhealthy options and then beat myself up over it and the cycle starts again.
I miss being able to call mom when I’m having these moments. I miss being able to stop over at Jackie’s and just let her tell me to knock it off. (She’s the only one who I’d allow to do that)…I miss their wisdom and the way they could calm me down.
This grief shit sucks! I feel like I’m constantly stuck on a bad amusement park ride. I feel guilty when I’m having fun and I feel childish when I’m bawling my eyes out so lately it’s just been manifesting as annoyance and anger.
I need a road trip and some time in nature. I need quiet in a peaceful setting because my heart is crying for it, longing for it…but the irony is that I don’t want to be alone. I also don’t want someone to fill the void with words or platitudes or advice. I want someone to drive with me and walk with me; someone who will sing to the radio and let me scream until my throat is raw; someone who will hold my hand when my body starts shaking from the rawness of it all; and someone who will just let me cry until I’m done.
I want to hit things, and shoot things, and let out every single bit of darkness inside, and then I want to curl up in a ball and be held while my broken pieces begin to heal. All without judgement or condemnation.
And then, I want to laugh and sing and dance; I want to be silly and carefree; I want to be light-hearted; I want to dance in the rain and splash in puddles and look for shapes in the clouds and count the stars at night. Loneliness, in every way, sucks.